When we were in Boston the contestants were so shamelessly weak (except McNallica) that the judges began making fun of each other. In Philadelphia some of the judges were so consistently bland our Master of Airemonies, Hot Lixx Hulahan and various contestants took turns bullying them. Note to future judges: When Hot Lixx (now emceeing while Björn Türoque kicks some ass, takes some names, and eats some snacks with the folks at Fuse TV) is on the mike "I thought he was good so I gave him a five point five" ain't gonna cut it. Take the WYSP Extreme Team member we had last night, seated above her station's banner, which was hanging beside our new Cuervo Black banner. She refused to drink (Cuervo territory) or talk (radio territory). So the our contestants picked up the slack for her.
Hot Lixx snagged two wildcards from the crowd, one of whom looked just like the guy that used to date rape me in high school. Celebrity judge Chris Archibald, leadman of Philadelphia's own Illinois (pronounce the "S") and the only judge on the panel who made me laugh, remarked "you're the blow dealer, right?" Blow dealer or date raper, he should have slipped something into the other panel members' apple juice.
Repeat offenders Bettie B. Goode (New York) and Six String General (D.C.) both surged into the second round at the Fillmore's Theater of the Living Arts. Bettie's first round act was one of the strongest we've seen yet, and could have rivaled any second round act of 2008. Following a stage dive, she shook things up with the judges by leaping onto their table and kicking over the drinks they were so tediously nursing. But by the second round her A-material was spent, and her uninspired performance to our compulsory Sweet edit left her in third place.
The real mind blowers of the evening came from newcomer (to the competition) Windhammer and newcomer (to life) Airistotle. The latter, a tall, bespeckled young man who's maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet, was pacing around backstage nervously before the show with a crew of similar description debating whether or not it would be cool to ask Hot Lixx and Björn for autographs. Of all the contestants — including his own posse — most people pegged Airistotle as a surefire 4.0 and perhaps the first guy to cry about it in 2008. And then he pelvic thrusted his way onto the stage and into our hearts, earning an impressive 17.4 points in the first round, positioning himself just behind Bettie B. Goode's 17.5 tabletop grooves. "Don’t beat off just yet," commented Hot Lixx after his round one performance, "you're gonna get laid tonight."
The second round brought about the first tie of the 2008 season, with two brilliant performances from the Viking-like Windhammer and wee little Airistotle. So we held an air-off between the two contestants to Skid Row's "Youth Gone Wild." That track was released back in '89 when Airistotle wasn't even a zygote yet.
Here's footage from the duel (cut them some slack for dropping their guitars -- it got the crowd going):
(Above: Airistotle. Below: Windhammer)
Of the two performances, Windhammer's was clearly the strongest. So short and thick defeated tall and lanky in the City of Brotherly Love, but Airistotle swears revenge will be his in Williamsburg next month if he can get his dad to lend him that tie again.
Before we move onto Detroit I'd like to thank the guys from Cuervo Black for climbing on board and sponsoring the tour. For those of you who haven't heard, Cuervo Black is a more elegant agave from a name you've trusted since childhood. Just because you’re ready to give up your shot glass doesn’t mean you have to put your nightlife to bed. If you’re ready to step up to a more sophisticated Tequila without leaving the liberating spirit of Cuervo behind, ask for Cuervo Black. We at mobile HQ were drinking responsibly all night long and by sunup found ourselves half naked running up the stairs from the Rocky movies. I think that's where the governor's office is. Just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
