Photo courtesy of our good pals at Lenox Hill ER.The horror.
The.
Horror.
Last night’s Brooklyn Regional was downright unruly. It was a jungle. Last night’s Brooklyn Regional reduced all the other Regionals to a leisurely bike ride through the park. First of all, Hot Lixx Hulahan’s opening number was off the chain – with defending US Champ William Ocean on air drums, and current Manhattan champ Air To The Throne on air bass. Next of all, several “came-this-close” contenders from around the country convened upon the Music Hall of Williamsburg for one last-ditch attempt at earning their golden ticket to the Holy Mecca of Air Guitar (San Francisco, for the uninitiated). The star power was on full display, with familiar names like Shreddy Mercury, Bettie B. Goode, and The Shred (gimpy ankle and all). The judges? Bill Burrs, head radio man at RCA Records; Bobby Black, senior editor of High Times Magazine; and Gavin McInnes, founder of Vice Magazine. All the ingredients were there. When mixed, the night churned out disaster after glorious disaster, as only air guitar can deliver.
After 3 forgettable performances got things going (I genuinely remember not one thing about them), upstart contestant Fender Slendor, who we first saw in DC, officially kicked off the competition with a high-voltage performance that ended with him air guitaring in his tightie-whities (not the first time I’d imagine, eh Splendor?). Shreddy Mercury, Bettie B. Goode, and the Shred all lived up to their reputations, earning their way into the second round. Rounding out the top 5? I forget... But this seems like a good place to mention that the scores last night were very polarized. As they should have been. Bad air guitar is quite like a car wreck. You want to look away, but there is some twisted sense of satisfaction from seeing firsthand the smoke billowing from the hood of that mangled hunk of metal. And if you see flames? All the better... That said, you resent the kid in the backseat who says something borderline insensitive, like, “Think he was drunk?” or the ever dick-ish, “Wow, that sucks.” That was role of the judges last night. Despite being leaders in their respective industries – people that we all strive to be professionally – comments like “You make me think of autism and a crack addict” to an obviously not-all-there hot dog vender wearing head to toe Mets gear will not endear oneself to many people. Yeah, the audience jeered and booed, and it got progressively worse as the night went on, as the crowd [mob?] basically turned on the judges. At least 10 beers were air-mailed to the judges’ table from down below, which had me and the rest of my VIP co-horts running for cover.
But that’s not the worst of it.
The second round saw some solid routines – my favorite was Fender Splendor, until Shreddy Mercury absolutely lit it up with a routine that may or may not have given me a boner. Then, it happened. Bettie B. Goode started her routine by jumping off the stairs you take to get from backstage to on-stage. She promptly ran up to the balcony, climbed over the railing, onto the plexi-glass awning above the soundbooth that is, presumably, there to prevent drinks from the balcony falling on the sound equipment – that is to say, not meant to support the weight of a full-grown human being, no matter how slight or dainty her build. Bettie then ran over to the judge’s table where we all got a good look at her pinky toe, which by then, was broken in half, bleeding, with white bone showing. She beat out the two technically superior contestants, but I mean... Bone was showing. She was declared the winner and promptly whisked away to the emergency room. Which just goes to show... In Air Guitar, sometimes when you win, you actually... are insane.
Did I mention bone was showing?
Thanks to former celebrity judge and industry hot shot Min Q for today's blog entry.
