The US Air Guitar blog has moved!

The new home of our blog is the same as as the new home of all things US Air Guitar: www.usairguitar.com.

And we've just announced the 2009 US Air Guitar Championships schedule, so come check it out!

Sponsors Needed (the other kind)

Click here for the genuine article.

Corporate HQ tells me we're taking a new direction, and I'm pretty excited about it. I honestly don't know much about tour sponsorships (or love). But I do know that the last time they said this I got a free case of Tequila, the bus got a new wrap, and this bar down in San Francisco's Marina district let me in for the very first time just because Hot Lixx worked some promotional gig for them. As we keep getting a little bigger, the schwag keeps getting a little cooler – both at the shows and in my apartment. Big Rig told me that when they first started this thing the best my bosses could do was get a handful of USAG dradles donated from the 92nd Street Y. Look at us now!

In this country, that something so conceptually abstract has expanded so much is not all that unique. Seven or eight years ago some good Americans joined together under one motto: Air Guitar for World Peace (if you're holding an air guitar you can't simultaneously hold a gun). And while those first few years were a little shaky, today it seems to have caught on pretty big. But there is something unique about US Air Guitar's growth, and it's something I've never been able to take part in before, not my whole life: I know I speak for myself and the other guys on the tour bus, and I'm pretty sure I speak for Kriston and Cedric, the founders of USAG: our success has actually brought us closer to where we've always wanted to go. Think that's normal? Ask Britney.

So you wanna support part of the tour? Or, do you think you're ready to sponsor the whole thing? Just want to say things like "we sold out DC's 930 Club during the biggest hurricane in two decades," or "—yeah, then we thrashed the 7th inning stretch on top of both dugouts"? Maybe you want to feel the pleasure that comes from telling your colleagues your latest project is "you know, Air Guitar—(insert demonstration here)." If you're game, hit me baby one more time: contact@usairguitar.com.

Hey, it's 4 AM and the sun is rising between us. Does that mean a new day is breaking?

Click.

Written lovingly, longingly, by Sir F. West Hays, (H)IV.

Air Guitar: Benevolent, Fraternal, Orderly

Magic Cyclops, without his antler hat.

The Fraternal Order of Air Guitar is having its bi-annual summit this weekend, and plans on making several earth shattering announcements in the very near future. The order is much "like an elk or moose club. And we can make 'foag' hats much like the popular band foghat," reported Magic Cyclops (Denver) from Summit day 1. Much like that, only instead of wearing antler horns, we wear antler skulls with knives jammed through the top and a banner that reads something excessively hardcore yet still dorky.

At the symposium Austin's MOD, added that this year he promises to "melt off faces, cook the faces, put in a little paprika, and then eat the faces."

More to come after tomorrow's barbecue.

Props to Whiskey Dick Darryls for letting me photoshop the coolest shirt in my the closet.

Written and whatnot by West Hays.

Summer 2009: There Will Be Air

Question: What do the Golden State, Duh Shy, Sin City, and Minneapolis all have in common? And New York, Dallas, Nashville, Portland . . . ?

Answer: Without you, nothing.

For us, it's been a month or two of what abouts. "What about LA, when Proops totally made me cry and piss my pants?" "What about the barbecue in Texas?" "What about the gay karaoke in Detroit?" Thing is, like anyone else wearing pants these days – and kudos to those of you who aren't – our pockets are hurtin' for certain. And our financial advisors (Turbotax programmers) have advised that we scale things back for the next tour. Sweet Jesus, how we've tried. But every time we scratch out a city, that What about? creeps back in.

So "scaling back" ain't happening. This tour will be bigger and better than last year. Who says an intern with a learner's permit can't drive a tour bus?

Rocktopuss and Nordic Thunder, on the cool side of the CPD barrier.

Because we're all, what about Chicago, when the Metro lost power and a thousand people (ok, 900 sold, but our guest list was huge) were in the parking lot shaking the shit out of the bus and demanding air? 'Member when the lights came back on just as we were million-man-marching down Clark St. to the Wrigley parking lot, for what would have been the first ever Regional Championship run off of twenty D batteries?

What about when we were persecuted by the Las Vegas PD, all pecker-envious for Reno 911?

World Air Guitar Champion Hot Lixx Hulahan grabs himself some hot accompaniment to sing anything performed by Robert Gulet.

Look, truth is maybe some of this is our fault. I gave Proops drugs. The tour bus blew the Metro's circuits the very second we plugged into their shore power. In Austin we packed a brisket doggy-bag then ditched the check. Stryker and Detroit's only gay guy had a huge falling out. I pirated turbotax. And maybe some weed was involved in that whole Vegas thing.

Hot Lixx loses out to a much better singer, dancer, and decorator.

This tour, we've got Seth Seigle big pimpin' over at William Morris booking the shit out' this mo'fo'. And of course we've got Nat Hays getting Hyphy over at Plus One. I look at the gigs these guys have put together, and I think "I want to DO these shows!" I look at the interns these guys have hanging 'round the office, and I think "they seem very intelligent and have bright futures in their respective fields!"

Peep this shit, though. If I can book a couple venues without any corporate fatcats knowing about it, maybe I can pocket the difference and spend it on stuff I need, like contraceptives for interns and a spell checker because this is getting a little ridiculous.

So here it is once more: our tour is nothing without you. Sunny California, wintry Illinois, nutty Nevada and cold as balls Minnesota: hit me off. And everyone else from the list below, hit me off. Venues and promoters, performers and believers, hit me off: contact@usairguitar.com

Contestant sign-ups? www.USAirGuitar.com will be spreading 'em wide for you in the next few weeks, accepting any riff raff with twenty bucks and skintight leathers.

Derek Not So Smalls and Air Leigh Legal in Clevelandtown.

Here's the tentative tour. If you've got some good ideas for venues, promoters, or just want to call for a good time:

• Asheville, NC
• Atlanta GA
• Austin TX
• Boston MA
• Chicago IL
• Cleveland OH
• Dallas TX
• Denver CO
• Detroit MI
• Fort Collins CO
• Houston TX
• Kansas City MO
• Las Vegas NV
• Los Angeles CA
• Milwaukee WI
• Minneapolis MN
• Nashville TN
• New York NY
• Omaha NE
• Philadelphia PA
• Portland OR
• San Diego CA
• San Francisco CA
• Seattle WA
• Washington DC

Portland champ Ricky Stinkfingers invites a few hundred friends onstage.

Ricky Stink invites a few more friends to a San Francisco Giants game. Photo courtesy of Misha Vladimirskiy.

It's either a lyric from Appetite for Destruction or a spooky prediction of sadness and loss to come.

Written by West Hays before breakfast.

USAG Mind Meld: "They Fingered My Brain!"

"Let's make 'em report some of their income!"

"No, let's make them report it all!"

Where the fuck did Ricky Stink Fingers get a button-down manblouse?

Have we finally gotten Franzia sponsorship?

Is Hot Lixx gonna barf?

These were just a few of the questions that needed to be answered as we now hurdle toward another summer of, you know, crazy ass shit. Last night members of US Air Guitar Corporate and Creative pow-wowed in an undisclosed location (my grandmother's apartment) wearing new clothes (from her closet) amidst a heated discussion involving how certain nights of the forthcoming 2009 tour d’air will be judged. According to Hot Lixx, "All I can say is: think traditional Japanese game show meets Double Dare" (referring to the competition, not the USAG meeting).

C-Diddy on his recent tour of Japan.

Taking a break from doing my taxes (I joke because I love), co-commish and USAG CFO Cedric Devitt found this gem from our pals with the busted link at comicvsaudience.net. I guess Masturbating Booger falls under the "Adolescent Poetry / Cry For Help" model?

Masturbating Booger jerking a bottle that smells suspiciously like his ass. (Photo courtesy of DC's premier photo playboy, Dakota Fine)

Written by West "Fuck the IRS and why not, also the PO-lice" Hays.

2009: There Will Be Air

Alright, ch'all. The co-commishes have been working their asses off all year long since 2009, trying to make this summer's tour 10-15% better than last year's using loans borrowed against unemployment checks they haven't received yet (but probably will sometime soon). We held a little pow-wow with a bunch of regional champs at Hot Lixx's barbecue back in August, and they gave us some really good suggestions ("do stuff with robots," "drown Air Bear," "fewer assholes on the bus"). So in the coming weeks we'll announce what's on the horizon for 2009. I'm personally hoping for a few more cities, High Life Light in the green rooms, and maybe the robot thing. Please stay tuned.

Sanjar and friends coming out of Des Moines' New Oriental Food Store, which was way better than the old one.

Hot Lixx Turns W. Hollywood DMV into Gentleman's Club

Since he landed the CBS Evening News interview (date still TBA. Stupid hurricanes and congressional bailouts stealing our thunder and money, respectively), Hot Lixx has been invited to attend and then not allowed to enter dozens of celebrity shindigs. Bouncers were actually accusing Hot Lixx of impersonating Hot Lixx. What's even worse: security at the NBC's annual Emmy pre-party snipped his ID because he looks like a 17 year old. Killing two birds with one stone, he brought his make-up crew to the West Hollywood DMV, snapped a new shot, and rush-ordered this replacement card:

That's actually Polo aftershave you smell.

Because they advertise during Star Trek, we've received scores of e-mails about the Guitar RockStar. We are happy to report that as of Monday, September 22nd, there is no official partnership between USAG and the guys over at RockStar corporate. Which means on Tuesday, September 23rd, I don't have to call my parents and yell at them for raising a dipshit. A few USAG champs were available for interview over the weekend:

McNallica (Boston): "Just another weak plastic toy that limits the rock."
Shreddy Mercury (NYC): "I feel like someone pooped in my Corn Flakes."
Nordic Thunder (duh Shy): " 'AN “air guitar” for bedroom rockers is being tipped as the best-selling toy at Christmas.' For fucks sake...i think the best “toy” this Christmas would be a Bettie B. Goode action figure with removable toe and blood packets. THAT would be fucking rad!"

What kind of toys do you keep in your bedroom, America?
Today's blog was written by West Hays while eating a cheese sandwich.